You CAN Please Everyone!
by Polaris'05
Summary: Co-conspired by Polaris and Diva Danielle, two wicked masterminds of fanfiction. A parody of tcest, mpreg, general slash, and psycho Donny. Enter if you dare.


**A/N: After an evening/day browsing FF net, Polaris and Diva Danielle take revenge on certain authors for traumatizing them.**

**Although everyone has different tastes and styles that we might not all agree on, even stories that might not be to our taste can inspire wicked works of fiction, like the ones we were masochistic enough to come across certainly did for us. And this.**

**A huge shout out goes to all those authors who might not write to our specific tastes but had us in stitches and morbidly, yet inescapably transfixed, even while wanting to gouge our eyes out and erase the mental images from our minds, with their summaries and when we felt exceptionally brave enough to enter, even when cautioned not to, specific passages from their fics.**

**We do not own TMNT or any of the works from other authors that inspired this parody. Though we would just love to see the faces of the turtles when reading this. Preferably from a safe distance, with 500 inch thick steel glass to protect us. We've read this exists. But hey, sometimes as authors, ya just gotta go outside your comfort zone! Or... maybe just sit back and watch the world burn.**

**Now sit down, relax and we hope you enjoy the show. Not intended to offend anyone, just some good, clean, parody... or not so clean! ;) Here's to you all! **

***evil grins* Unapologetically yours, Polaris and Diva Danielle. **

* * *

"WHERE'S ALL TH' DAMN ICE CREAM!?"

Raph slammed the freezer door closed, turning around with fire blazing in his eyes – he was the stubborn hothead, so his eyes never stopped blazing. His head was literally so hot that it made his eyes always on fire. Maybe that was why he wanted ice cream… it would cool down his stubborn, hot head.

Or maybe he wanted the ice cream because he'd been craving it ever since Karai had gotten him pregnant.

And pickles. He wanted pickles. Damn, he wanted pickles… they were so… green. And big. They looked like…...… well anyways, he wanted pickles... or maybe Donny's pickles. Or just pickles. Or Donny's- or... well anyway. One form of pickles or another.

BUT WHERE WAS ALL THE DAMN ICE CREAM!?

Grumbling under his breath, shifting his weight as the alien baby stomped down on his bladder, Raph stormed off through the living room. He tried to ignore the awkward threesome going on there on the rug. Honestly, how had Shredder not realized that maybe wearing a huge suit of armor would make what he was trying to do problematic?

"OW! It's stuck in the chinks! OW OW OW OW!"

Mikey was howling in pain as Shredder yelled for him to submit, but he was cut off by a passionate kiss from Leo – or what would have been a passionate kiss if Leo could have gotten his thick, fleshy tongue through the helmet on Shredder's head.

"YOU ARE MINE, TURTLE!"

"But it's STUCK!"

"Typical," Raph grumbled, moving past the flailing limbs and pretending he couldn't see where Leo's hands were going all over Mikey. He didn't have room to talk – he was just the hothead who'd gotten pregnant. Who would have known Karai had it in her?

"I'LL KILL YOU ALL!"

Raph ignored the newest shout, stopping to let April and Casey race by him in a whirl of terrified screams as a ululating Donatello chased after them with bo raised over his head. "I'LL KILL YOU! I'M A PSYCHOPATH!" Donny screamed again.

"Curse you, turtle! That's not where it goes! PLEASE ME!"

If only Stockman could have come up with an experiment to make the Turtles less horny, instead of causing Raph to get pregnant by Karai (the original plan had been for Leo to get him pregnant, but that had failed due to Raph's stubborn, hotheaded inability to accept Leo's authority), the afternoon would have gone so much… quieter. Of course, Donny would still be trying to kill everyone, there was just no helping that. He was a psychopath, it just wasn't obvious because of how much he hated getting all sticky.

But now, he'd finally snapped and decided to go on a murdering spree. That was when he'd discovered that his bo was more than enough to take people's limbs and heads off even though it was a blunt object, but Raph had taught him to work with what he had.

But honestly! He had every right to kill April and Casey! April was cheating on him with Casey, and Casey was making Raph cheat on Donny with HIM! Of course, Raph must have cheated at some point before that anyway, because he was pregnant!

Raph turned then, glaring at the corner with fiery, hot headed eyes. "Bishop, are you taking NOTES of this, you sicko!?" Raph demanded, as the government agent was staring at the squirming threesome on the floor with far too much attention. Bishop blinked, snapping his notebook closed defensively as he said far too quickly,

"No! I- what? Don't be stupid, terrapin, this is for my… experiments."

Raph wrinkled his nose – or he would have, if he'd had a nose, but he didn't. He didn't have a nose, nor did he have lips, or ears, but he would have certainly liked a nose to wrinkle at that moment. "Yah, whatever you say, freak. However you get your jollies."

Damn, he actually WAS getting his jollies, wasn't he, Raph thought as his eyes drifted down to Bishop's crotch. Raph shook his head. Disgusting.

"FREAK!?" a shout rose from the doorway as Hun charged in like a stampeding rhino in heat. "Time to teach you freaks a lesson!" He was always trying to teach them lessons, but stampeding rhinos in heat are not notorious for their stellar abilities at teaching. Trampling things over came pretty naturally though, and so he did that instead.

"Shredder… oh Shredder you're so…. hard and shiny…" Leo moaned, completely besotted with his arch enemy, or at least his steely, cool armor that was so similar to Leo's own beloved [very beloved] katana. No one had seen this relationship with the Shredder coming, because it made no sense whatsoever. That was why Leo loved it so much… he was such a rebel.

He didn't notice as Hun went stampeding by, chasing after Raph who took off at a dead sprint in circles around the room. All this running around wasn't good for the baby.

"Donny, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you!" Casey cried out as Donny tried to stab him through the heart with the blunt end of his bo. It didn't work very well, as a bo staff does not function very well as a katana (there was nothing BUT blunt ends on bo staffs). "Raph and I share a special bond!"

"You can't have him!" Donny shouted back. "He's mine! Mine, mine, mine!" He took a wild swing at April, who screamed and dove behind Bishop, grabbing him tightly. She had always thought he was so… masculine…. And… agenty…

Mikey had finally gotten himself free of Shredder's armor, instead going after the rather softer target of his oldest brother. Leo was trying to make sweet passionate love to him by lifting Mikey's tail and sucking it like a tootsie pop, while at the same time dominate the Shredder. It was hard. No pun intended.

"Why are you doing this?" Casey yelled at Donny as April and Bishop stole out for a private moment (Bishop was hoping to put his notes to good use).

"Because I'm a psychopath!"

Oh, well, that was a pretty good reason, then.

Raph still wanted ice cream. And pickles. And Leo. And Donny. And Karai. Coming to a screeching stop, Raph paused and mused, "Is it just me, or does this make no sense?"

"WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THAT!?" Hun roared in frustration. "WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO!? THERE'S NO ONE THERE!"

"Stop hitting me, man! Ow, Donny!"

"You are mine, turtle! You will submit to my pleasure- ooooh, yes… Michelangelo…"

"Leo, I've always wanted you…even though you're my big brother… if it's wrong, I don't want to be right!"

"KILL EVERYONE! I'm psycho!"

"My sons- oh, I beg your pardon."

Splinter stopped in the doorway to the Lair, back from his day out. He gazed over the orgy going on in the room, his crazed, psycho son trying to smite everything with his bo, his pregnant son being chased by a rabid madman, and the unsightly deeds going on between April and Bishop – who had never met but shared a secret, deep connection.

Shaking his head with a light smile, Splinter headed towards his own room to meditate.

"Ah… kids."


End file.
